It is a program about options and information. Adults (at least 18 years old) with a donor in the Identity-Release® Program have the option to obtain the donor’s identity from TSBC. The fact that it is an option is important—your adult child may wish to request the donor’s identity when they turn 18 (or at some later age) or they may decide not to. If they decide to make a request, we will provide them with the donor’s name, birth date, place of birth, and available contact information. If the donor provides additional information, such as an update on their life, photographs, and/or preferences regarding contact, we will provide that as well.
The Identity-Release® Program is not intended to create parental or family relationships between donors and donor-conceived adults. TSBC does not guarantee that donors in the Identity-Release® Program will have contact with donor-conceived adults. Our experience-to-date is that the majority of TSBC donors are open to and expecting to be contacted by donor-conceived adults, however, we cannot guarantee this of all donors.
It is important to remember that this is a human process with great potential for a wonderful experience. But it also has the potential for mismatched expectations. Each donor has their own openness and preferences with respect to contact from donor-conceived adults, and we find that these preferences vary considerably from donor to donor. Quite a few of the donors are raising young children with whom they have not yet shared that they are a donor. Others may have different personal reasons for desiring less contact or more privacy. While many of the donors are open to and interested in contact, there are others who do not wish to be contacted at all. And sometimes a donor’s feelings about contact change over time.
However things go, it may help to remember that how the donor feels has little to do with your child/the donor-conceived adult, and more to do with what is going on in the donor’s life. Understanding this, having realistic expectations, and remembering that this is a human process, will help your child at adulthood, if the process goes differently than what they hoped for.
Key points to share with your child/teen
There are always exceptions, but so far we’ve found that:
- When you turn 18, you have the option to learn more about the donor, including the donor’s name. It is your decision if and when to do this; I will support you, whatever you decide.
- The donor may be open to writing to, talking with, or even meeting you, or they may not be open to any communication. The program does not guarantee communication, so you will have to see what the donor is open to when the time comes.
- Donors are people with their own lives and experiences. Just as you have your own family, donors may have their own families. Donors do not consider themselves fathers or parents to people being raised in the families they assisted.
As your child gets older or when they are a teen, together you may wish to explore their motivations, hopes and expectations. Why they are interested and what they are hoping for may affect their experience of the information-release process and outcome.
TSBC’s experience releasing donor identities
There are always exceptions, but so far we’ve found that:
- Each person is different. Some donor-conceived adults simply want to know who the donor is and/or see a picture, others want to meet the donor, and still others decide that they don’t want to know at this time in their life. It is ok if what your child wants changes as they go through this process.
- We ask donors to provide an update on their life and encourage them to express their feelings about being contacted. If donors provide an update, they sometimes include a picture of themselves. Overall, the majority, but not all donors, provide an update.
- Donors understand their commitment to the program. The majority of donors are expecting their information to be released and many look forward to being contacted. A small handful of donors have been unreachable or have had a change of heart. If your child’s donor is among these, we will discuss it with them.
- Donor-conceived adults from ~40% of eligible families have requested and obtained their donor’s identifying information.
- More information is available from our research publications.
Frequently asked questions
When my child reaches the age of 18 and wants more information, what do they do?
The first step is to fill out the online form to start the process. They will then be contacted by a member of our team who will explain the process and send the formal information-request forms to the donor-conceived adult. All requesters are provided with information and resources to support them during the release process.
Can I request the information for my child?
No. Our donor contracts allow release of their identity to donor-conceived adults only, not to parents. While many individuals eventually share this information with their parents, the request can only be initiated by the donor-conceived adult.
My child wishes to meet the donor on their 18th birthday, is that possible?
No. It is important to set realistic expectations with your child about the program. The requestor must be 18 years old when they complete the request paperwork and the process has a couple of steps before the information is released. Also, even donors who are open to meeting in person may not want a meeting for the initial contact. We encourage you to review the details of the program and our research on the website, and call our Executive Director with your questions.
Can my child receive the donor’s identity before they reach 18?
No. Our donor contracts only allow for the release of identity information to adults. This policy is designed with the best interests in mind of all parties–donor-conceived individuals, donors and parents.
Our family has two children, can the older one still request information at age 18?
Yes. If the 18 year old (older) child requests while the younger child is under 18, our release protocol involves a conversation between the parent(s) and our team, in addition to the donor-conceived adult, in which the donor’s preferences for this situation will be shared if available.