TSBC Newsletter
July-October 2009
TSBC’s Family Contact List:
Friends, Family or Strangers?
The Family Contact List (FCL) is a free program that provides an opportunity for connection between TSBC families with children from the same donor. We started the program in 1997 at the request of parents. Over ten years later, three hundred eighty families have registered—about 20% of all TSBC families. Over 60% of the families on the list have matched with at least one other family; some exchange information by phone, email, or letter, while others have met in person. The advice and recommendations that follow are inspired by feedback from the families who have pioneered this process.
Think It Through
When you choose to create your family through donor insemination, you have to approach the process deliberately and mindfully. This same willingness to plan ahead will serve you well as you decide whether to add your family to the FCL. Before you submit your request, we advise you to take the time to consider these questions.
What is your motivation? It is important for you to think through your own motivation, as this may affect your experience of, and satisfaction with, the matching process. If you’re partnered, does your partner share your motivation? If not, are you able to talk through your differences? If your child is old enough to express a preference, can you be flexible about slowing down or possibly postponing the process, if that is what you child wishes?
What are your hopes and expectations? Identify your own hopes for connecting with other families who share your donor, and practice putting them into words. If you’re partnered, communicating your hopes to your partner is a great place to start. It will certainly be helpful for both of you to hear the other’s expectations, as this will give you the opportunity to clarify where your expectations
dovetail and where they don’t before you initiate the process. It will also be helpful for you to have a clear script in mind with which to communicate with other families once you have a match. Do you want to limit your contact to a single phone call or meeting, or do you want it to be ongoing?
You will need to be open to changing your mind and adjusting your expectations once you and your children are actually in contact with other families whose hopes and assumptions may differ from your own. This will be an experience involving your most near and dear, total strangers, and uncharted relationships, so you should expect the unexpected.
Take It Slow
Recipients who have gone through the process recommend that you start slow in terms of the level and pace of contact. In the first flush of excitement at making contact, it may be tempting to speak on the phone often or to schedule multiple meetings. However, this has the potential to set you up for disappointment or misunderstandings if you come to realize you have mismatched expectations of contact. Just as with any relationship that involves both you and your children—such as relationships with neighboring families, extended family, or families of your children’s classmates—it’s a good idea to maintain respectful boundaries.
Consider the Logistics
There are logistical issues outside your control that will affect your experience with the FCL.
Who Are the Families? The other families on the list for your donor may or may not be demographically similar to your own. In general, we find that single moms and lesbian couples are most likely to join the FCL while heterosexually-partnered parents are least likely to join. However, families of all types participate in the program.
How Many Families? If you are not sure whether you want to register with the FCL, but you are curious about the number of offspring your donor has, we are happy to provide this information. We can also tell you how many other families, if any, have signed up for the FCL. You may be matched with one other family, or with six, or you may not have any matches; it helps to be prepared for the range of possibilities.
Where Are the Families? TSBC ships sperm all over the world, so your family match is just as likely to live across the ocean as across town.
Language Matters
You doubtless have your own way of referring to your child’s donor (donor, biological father, donor dad, etc.), and you will want to consider in advance how you’d like to refer to the children who share your child’s donor. Some matches refer to each other’s children as siblings. Others consider the children somewhere between friends and family and have chosen not to use the words “brother” and “sister.” Our culture is lacking adequate kinship terms for people who share genetic relatedness, but are not socially related. Some families have come up with their own creative terminology, such as “dosies” for “donor siblings.”
We suggest that you identify your own preferences before you make the contact and be ready to communicate your choice of vocabulary clearly and comfortably to other families so that you do not find yourself in a situation that is awkward and potentially confusing for your child.
It’s a Family Affair
Perhaps the most important decision you’ll face is when and how to discuss family matching with your children and your extended family.
Ages and Stages. Some parents with very young children initially choose not to explain the genetic connection. They may meet on a casual play date basis if a match lives nearby, or they may postpone meeting. Others choose to explain using simple language, as they use for donor conception, to normalize the concept for their children.
If your child is school-aged, and understands the donor connection, you will want to avoid raising his or her expectations about potential contacts in case you and the other family have different preferences. Approach the possibility of contact as an interesting opportunity to gain more information about his or her family tree, but take care not to exaggerate its significance.
It’s best to let older children take the lead in determining how much contact they desire. They may decide they are not interested in contacting matches. As one recipient put it, “Probably the most important thing in my mind is to remind myself that it’s not about me, really. It’s about our child and opening a door for him. As he gets older, he’ll take it his own way.”
Sibling Situations. If you have more than one child with the same donor, or with different donors, you may approach family matching with additional concerns. Two children with the same donor may have different feelings toward or levels of interest in meeting their “dosies.” If your children have different donors, and only one has the opportunity to meet donor siblings, you might want to have a conversation about how this will affect your family. If you have a blended family, the siblings you are raising together may be sensitive about the notion that a genetic sibling from outside the family has any special status.
Charting Unknown Territory
TSBC has always advocated an open approach to donor insemination, and we appreciate the fact that so many of our families over the years have shared our values of openness and disclosure. If you decide to register with the FCL, we are confident that your efforts to be self-aware, to communicate honestly, and to focus on your children’s best interests will result in a positive experience for you and your family.
How Do I Join? Additional information, including instructions for joining, is available under Family Contact List FAQs
Save the Date
The TSBC Family Picnic is back! The picnic is scheduled for Sunday, October 4th from 11am to 2pm. The picnic is a great opportunity to meet and enjoy the company of other TSBC families, staff, and Board members. We’ll mail a flyer with full details to local families in September, if you wish to receive the picnic information and do not live in the Bay Area, please call us.